Slow down. So my friend Amy (you can read her blog here) just sent us (Champagne Club – will explain more about them in another post) the link to the most beautiful song. It’s called Slow Down by Nichole Nordeman. It’s basically a mom singing to her son/daughter about slowing down the growing up process. It strikes such a strong cord in me because, I think like all mom’s I have regret that I wished away those early months for various reasons, the main one for me being my undiagnosed postnatal depression. I couldn’t cope. But, since recovering, I have a deep and vast sense of regret about those first months, the first year to be honest. I feel I wasn’t present enough, I wished away the time until he was more independent, more self sufficient, anything that would give me my self back but still keeping him. Mommy guilt is HORRIBLE and so real! But before I go any further I want to post the lyrics to the song because they are SO beautiful & true as only a mother can understand:
Here’s to you / You were pink or blue / And everything I wanted / Here’s to you / Never sleeping through / From midnight till the morning / Had to crawl before you walked / Before you ran / Before I knew it / You were trying to free your fingers from my hand / ‘Cause you could do it on your own now / Somehow / Slow down / Won’t you stay here a minute more / I know you want to walk through the door / But it’s all too fast / Let’s make it last a little while / I pointed to the sky and now you wanna fly / I am your biggest fan / I hope you know I am / But do you think you can somehow / Slow down / Here’s to you / Every missing tooth / Every bedtime story / Here’s to Barbie cars, light saber wars / Sleeping in on Sunday / Had to crawl / Before you walked / Before you ran / Before I knew it / You were teaching me / The only thing love can / Hold hands through it / When it’s scary, you’ve got me / Please don’t roll your eyes at me / I know I’m embarrassing / But someday you’ll understand / You’ll hold a little hand / Ask them if they can … I am your biggest fan / I hope you know I am / But do you think you can / Somehow / Slow down
Read those words. Then read them again and again and again!
Why do we wish the time away? Because it’s damn hard! No one tells you it’s going to be that hard! No one tells you that it’s not all roses and fairytales like in the movies. Well, actually, lets be honest, they do, but we don’t believe them while we are in pregnancy bliss! If we did no one would ever have another baby and that would be the end of humankind! So we go in with rose tinted glasses and we have to figure it out as we go along and it’s really hard and we wish it away! But then, if you are like me, you recover from your postnatal depression and one of the hardest things to deal with is this IMMENSE regret I have about that first year of Tristan’s life! Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t horrid all the time and I do remember a lot of magical, wonderful, life changing, heart warming moments with Tristan but I wish I had been more present than I was. I wish that I’d enjoyed and savored those times he fell asleep on me, I wish I’d breastfed longer (6 months was pretty good right?), I wish I’d just snuggled him when all he wanted was me and brought him into bed with me and just been more present and more relaxed. I was always freaking out because he wasn’t doing what THE BOOK said and I couldn’t handle that! So yes, I now wish SO MUCH that time would slow down and that I could savor more time with him and I’m super conscious of being present when I spend time with him and I go in and kiss his head and face like a million times every night before I go to bed and I snuggle him in the mornings (even when he wakes at 5am) because I know realize and know that they change so quickly; what they enjoy today could very well be totally different tomorrow. I know that him wanting to snuggle with me isn’t going to last forever as he’s growing up. But, having said that, it doesn’t mean I don’t get cross with him or frustrated when he doesn’t listen or won’t eat his dinner or whatever. I’m still a parent and I’m still me, I’ve just learnt to enjoy it more.
So, when number 2 comes along, TRY (I know it’s going to be hard) enjoy all those little moments that you know will soon pass and you don’t want to look back a second time and go I wish I’d been more present!
Yes, that’s me, tears rolling down my cheeks as I listened to the song because the words hit my so hard! I can’t post the video but if you click on this link you’ll be taken straight to it!